ugh friend i felt this so hard! feeling a lot of these same things alongside you. my roommate is leaving LA for NY and that made me consider where i was living, who i was living with, if i even wanted to stay in this city. with everyone leaving, i also get that fear that everyone's onto something that i'm not — or that i'm the complacent loser for being okay with this place that was once suitable for us both. with that said, i also just got back from a trip to NY and felt the same infectious effervescence from the Knicks win and the Mamdani administration which is something I am sorely missing here in LA. i get torn between wanting to be the beacon of that energy in the place i love or bringing myself closer to the source of newness that also entranced me.
at least we might both have new couches to crash on when we travel <3
omg YES obviously totally relate to the "do i go enjoy this thing or be the beacon of it where i already am". theoretically visiting is the sweet spot but that feeling persists!!
I'm quite a bit older than you and I've seen this dynamic show up across the years in lots of other ways, too: divorces, hobby groups, coffee house patronage, emigrating to other countries. Is it human instinct to feel restless and crave novelty? I feel like we see this in relationship with objects, too: we buy a new shirt or a new toaster because it feels easier than repairing the one we have.
I'm also old enough to see rebounds: people coming back to places they missed after trying something else, and people old enough to become settled (which is sometimes just complacency rather than commitment to a community.)
Staying, repairing, committing, changing: these things are hard. There's often more friction than simply starting over. And we can't do these hard things alone. Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. We need each other.
Totally – I'm trying to loosen up for myself the idea that you are better if you stay/there's some moral correctness to that. there isn't! also i have moved before! appreciating the flux rather than resisting it – the dream!
DC here. People moving after unexpected job loss (DOGE, agency relocation, agency mission change, agency elimination), high cost of living, general revulsion at changes being forced upon the cityscape (see Kennedy Center, reflecting pool, White House grounds, prospective oversized arch, West Potomac Park etc etc)…so much to grieve that I’m mostly enraged or in denial with periods of relishing what’s intact and untainted.
As one who lives in New Orleans and, like you, have been watching my entire world leave, I am not handling it as maturely as you are. Now, though, inspired by both you and my therapist, I will try to just say: I am sad.
i left out the next sentence i wanted to write after “i am sad.” it would be: and now im going to stomp around and pout and believe the universe too cruel
This hits hard in a rural community. Even only 1 or 2 people moving can leave huge holes in the social fabric. While I am so sad for me, I also try to be happy for my friends who are moving - for they get to be closer to family, better job prospects, etc. But man. It hurts.
Four years ago, I moved out of an Uncool City I'd never meant to live in, but had become enmeshed in an devoted to sticking up for. I moved back to the Cool City I'd lived in when I was younger, for both "pull" reasons (I thought, correctly, that it would be easier to lead the type of life I value here) and "push" reasons (big fash upswing in the place I was living) and ohhhhh boy did I feel conflicted about it, for the inverse mover-side reasons of everything you mention here.
I also really like your framing of "keep your nerve", which is such a nice, nonprescriptive way of not saying " "keep trying" without saying "keep doing this particular thing forever"
appreciate this so much! there is really no ethical superiority in any of these choices because we all generally need to make the choices we make. also love this pull/push framing you brought here!
yes yes yes to all of this. It is so hard to be the person 'left behind' and to resist the feeling of 'if everyone else is doing this thing, am I missing the boat?' On the weird flip side of this, I am leaving for a nine month fellowship and I have this concern that no one will even notice when I'm gone. Silly.
oh man! this one hit hard. i’m in a season of my life where a bunch of my friends are moving halfway across the world for grad school, a friend who i dearly missed after moving 1.5 years ago moved to where i live and the last and heaviest one being me considering moving again myself (maybe for grad school, maybe an artist residency - all i want is an excuse rly). all of this has me suspended in BIG feeling soup and feeling like a soggy piece of bread most of the time tbh. however, what keeps me going is rly just the delusional hope that i will somehow build a life where i can spend my months visiting friends all over the world instead of living in one place. bonus points if my friends wanna do this w me (low-key we need to bring caravans back). maybe my friends are the reason i crave space freedom so much. i just wanna fill most of my time and life with hanging out with them regardless of place <333
ugh friend i felt this so hard! feeling a lot of these same things alongside you. my roommate is leaving LA for NY and that made me consider where i was living, who i was living with, if i even wanted to stay in this city. with everyone leaving, i also get that fear that everyone's onto something that i'm not — or that i'm the complacent loser for being okay with this place that was once suitable for us both. with that said, i also just got back from a trip to NY and felt the same infectious effervescence from the Knicks win and the Mamdani administration which is something I am sorely missing here in LA. i get torn between wanting to be the beacon of that energy in the place i love or bringing myself closer to the source of newness that also entranced me.
at least we might both have new couches to crash on when we travel <3
omg YES obviously totally relate to the "do i go enjoy this thing or be the beacon of it where i already am". theoretically visiting is the sweet spot but that feeling persists!!
I'm quite a bit older than you and I've seen this dynamic show up across the years in lots of other ways, too: divorces, hobby groups, coffee house patronage, emigrating to other countries. Is it human instinct to feel restless and crave novelty? I feel like we see this in relationship with objects, too: we buy a new shirt or a new toaster because it feels easier than repairing the one we have.
I'm also old enough to see rebounds: people coming back to places they missed after trying something else, and people old enough to become settled (which is sometimes just complacency rather than commitment to a community.)
Staying, repairing, committing, changing: these things are hard. There's often more friction than simply starting over. And we can't do these hard things alone. Thank you for saying the quiet part out loud. We need each other.
Totally – I'm trying to loosen up for myself the idea that you are better if you stay/there's some moral correctness to that. there isn't! also i have moved before! appreciating the flux rather than resisting it – the dream!
DC here. People moving after unexpected job loss (DOGE, agency relocation, agency mission change, agency elimination), high cost of living, general revulsion at changes being forced upon the cityscape (see Kennedy Center, reflecting pool, White House grounds, prospective oversized arch, West Potomac Park etc etc)…so much to grieve that I’m mostly enraged or in denial with periods of relishing what’s intact and untainted.
💜💜💜 those intersecting periods of grief and relishing really resonate with me
As one who lives in New Orleans and, like you, have been watching my entire world leave, I am not handling it as maturely as you are. Now, though, inspired by both you and my therapist, I will try to just say: I am sad.
oh man, I felt this in my gut! thank you for sharing and know most days i am also not handling it maturely whatsoever
i left out the next sentence i wanted to write after “i am sad.” it would be: and now im going to stomp around and pout and believe the universe too cruel
This hits hard in a rural community. Even only 1 or 2 people moving can leave huge holes in the social fabric. While I am so sad for me, I also try to be happy for my friends who are moving - for they get to be closer to family, better job prospects, etc. But man. It hurts.
oof tooootally - the loss hits different when you’re working with even less to begin with <3
This is very kind and well-said, as always!
Four years ago, I moved out of an Uncool City I'd never meant to live in, but had become enmeshed in an devoted to sticking up for. I moved back to the Cool City I'd lived in when I was younger, for both "pull" reasons (I thought, correctly, that it would be easier to lead the type of life I value here) and "push" reasons (big fash upswing in the place I was living) and ohhhhh boy did I feel conflicted about it, for the inverse mover-side reasons of everything you mention here.
I also really like your framing of "keep your nerve", which is such a nice, nonprescriptive way of not saying " "keep trying" without saying "keep doing this particular thing forever"
appreciate this so much! there is really no ethical superiority in any of these choices because we all generally need to make the choices we make. also love this pull/push framing you brought here!
yes yes yes to all of this. It is so hard to be the person 'left behind' and to resist the feeling of 'if everyone else is doing this thing, am I missing the boat?' On the weird flip side of this, I am leaving for a nine month fellowship and I have this concern that no one will even notice when I'm gone. Silly.
haha! Deep relate. both sides have their own special ways of convincing you that nobody cares/you are deeply alone/taking the wrong path
oh man! this one hit hard. i’m in a season of my life where a bunch of my friends are moving halfway across the world for grad school, a friend who i dearly missed after moving 1.5 years ago moved to where i live and the last and heaviest one being me considering moving again myself (maybe for grad school, maybe an artist residency - all i want is an excuse rly). all of this has me suspended in BIG feeling soup and feeling like a soggy piece of bread most of the time tbh. however, what keeps me going is rly just the delusional hope that i will somehow build a life where i can spend my months visiting friends all over the world instead of living in one place. bonus points if my friends wanna do this w me (low-key we need to bring caravans back). maybe my friends are the reason i crave space freedom so much. i just wanna fill most of my time and life with hanging out with them regardless of place <333