We All Need to Be Conflict Mediators

Mediation as a puzzle of collective responsibility

when some good group problemsolving ended in a rooftop benefit show

I feel about conflict mediators the same way I feel about good facilitators: they are mythic, heroic, what I want to be when I grow up. In the face of sweat-pricking tension, they are cool and unflappable. They have seen it all before. They seem to float at an altitude where petty problems and hurt feelings don’t seem so world-ending. I’m sure it is all harder than it appears but when it’s good, they really do hold the power to change the weather in a room.

I used to fantasize about becoming one of them; I attended conflict mediation trainings, loved Nonviolent Communication so much that I would have stocked it in bedside tables if I were a hotel (ok this would make a great icebreaker question), followed stories of fights from friends or couples therapy podcasts with the attentiveness of a frothing fan of the sport.

There was – and will always be –something so satisfying, so very hopeful, in the possibility of healing human pain with just the right thing to say.

I’ve witnessed this magical effect on others too. There have been times where friends or I have been sloshing around in interpersonal drama that feels irreparable – in community spaces, work, artistic collaborations, family – and as soon as someone invokes the idea of bringing in a conflict mediator, a “yes, that will fix it” high spreads all over us. I’ve been in circles where we’ve talked about mass, multi-day conflict mediation trainings for everyone so that we all become Conflict Mediators after receiving certificates that say so. I’ve even held a mediator-like role in social spaces where the tension has reached an unbearable peak and felt the weight of others’ expectations piled at my feet, something that I’m supposed to untangle though no one else has been able to. 

Conflict mediators hold a hyper-specialized skillset that offers intentional process, deep learning and development, and thoughtful leveraging in relationships at key times. They play an essential part in relational repair.  

But more often than not, it seems like we position this skillset as either a) concentrated in one perfect expert or b) something to be attained ourselves only after many months and many courses and certificates. 

What if we didn’t just look to conflict mediators as our cure-alls, but developed conflict mediation skillsets in all of us? 

Inspired by this emoji deck on how organizations are like slime molds, here’s how conflict mediation might (or might not?!) play out in community settings:

Let’s say two people in a friendship or other community space find themselves in conflict; maybe it was one big blowout fight or a million little disagreements over time.

Hopefully one of them might phone in more support from someone like a mediator, or a mediator-like friend. But! This means that they:

• acknowledge something is indeed wrong in the first place (harder than it sounds)

• desire + believe in the possibility of resolution

• trust an outside (or outside the conflict) person to come in and support

• are open to their own fallibility in the situation

That’s a lot that needs to go right! So more often than not…

…the fire spreads. The original people in the conflict share their pain with others, vent, try to validate their perspectives, and in the meantime cross-talk happens or half-truths are said and light more fires and more mini-conflicts.

These fires tend to spread into other relationships and may even transform the trust, emotional landscape, and vitality of the community itself.

Even if a mediator is brought in at this point, the scale of hurt has grown: there are so many more fires to put out, new history between new people to untangle, and damage already done.

How would we act in conflict if we knew nobody was coming to save us? That it wasn’t someone else’s job to pick up the pieces, but our own? No magical other, but just our attempting-to-be-magical selves?

What if the role of conflict mediator was atomized into many individual skillsets, held by many people in a community as a collective responsibility?

Sure, maybe folks attend a course or listen to a podcast about this stuff once in a while, but these skills could build on already existing strengths, lived experience, and emotional capacities.

A philosophical shift happens: everyone in the community sees their role as helping to deescalate conflict, rather than do nothing, fan the flames, or bail.

Maybe some fires would still get lit. Some damage inevitably happens. But along the way there’s more reflection, deep listening, and imagining pathways forward from everyone.

Mediation becomes the puzzle we all put together.

It’s like negotiating chores with people you live with; you all do your small part every day to tidy because you know how much harder it is to clean house when the dishes and laundry and junk on tables and cat litter has all gone without doing.

And if a mediator is indeed brought in – they’re not simply firefighting. They’re bringing structure, freshening perspectives, and leveling up the community beyond what they could do by themselves. It’s additive support, not a last ditch effort.

Good mediators already see themselves as developing or supporting skillsets already present or needing to be learned in communities. This is less about the role they play, and more about a community’s expectations of that role.

Consider all the skills needed in conflict mediation – active listening, patience, reflecting back, creative problemsolving, empathy, negotiation, collaboration, observation, and many more – which of these do you already practice in your friendships, romantic partnerships, or family life? Are there areas that could get a little stronger with more practice, feedback, or a framework or two? What happens if you see this skill as your piece of the puzzle to offer to others?