The Occasional Flimsiness of Group Agreements
The Occasional Flimsiness of Group Agreements
And how we might make them more meaningful
✨ Thank you for joining the community craft conga line that is GROUP HUG. So glad you are here. ✨
I’ve attended one-off workshops where a collection of Agreements were shared at the top of a call: Make Space/Take Space, Experience Discomfort, Be Curious.
I’ve belonged to working groups where Agreements were crowdsourced live – “What else should we add? What feels important in order for you to engage here?”
And just this last weekend, I attended my cousin’s wedding (where there was a trap remix of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun that honestly slapped) where a kind of Agreement was shared on the RSVP page: Please don’t share anything on social media before the couple has a chance to.
Every time, I’ve wondered: yes, totally, but what happens if not everyone really *gets* what this even means? Are they still Agreements then?
Community or Group Agreements are a set of collectively-created expectations for how a group of people might engage with one another in a shared space. That space could be a one-off gathering or meeting, or something more consistent that meets over time, like a classroom, workplace, or organizing group. Sometimes (and maybe ideally), these agreements were collectively created beforehand by the people in the space. Sometimes agreements might be made on the fly, crowdsourced from what people shout out in a moment to fill a blank sheet of paper that will hang in the space for the rest of the time together, like at the start of a conference or beginning of a semester. They’re different than Rules or Terms and Conditions because they are set by the group of people who will be expected to abide by them.
Ultimately, Agreements are a collective wish we make about how we might be in the same space together. That space could be a classroom, a sports team, a club, a conference, committees or boards, an organizing group. They reflect what we need to participate while feeling joyful, trusted, and brave.
But they also can be flimsy as hell. If I had a dollar for every space I’ve been in where an agreement like Take Space, Make Space was shared – an agreement that encourages us to notice if we are engaging too much and/or engage more and/or invite others to engage more or less – and then one or two people dominated the room for the next hour anyway, I would have about enough dollars for my go-to Taco Bell order!
As Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba write: “In organizing, we sometimes expect people, including ourselves, to shed the habits this society has embedded in us through sheer force of will, when in reality we all need practice.”
Agreements are only as strong as the community systems that uphold them. The systems that help us practice. Otherwise, they’re lip service. A sad wishlist that never was. Or, as perhaps we’ve all experienced, perfect fodder to point to when roasting all the ways you’ve felt failed by a group of people (i.e. “How am I supposed to Be Curious when that dude didn’t stop talking for a full 45 minutes?”)
Agreements should be a symbol of deeper work done, culture built slowly and intentionally over lots of time by many hands and hearts. If it’s up to a list of Agreements alone to uphold the culture of an entire community, they won’t be strong enough to accomplish that vision alone. Here are a few reasons why that might be:
Not everyone might understand what the Agreement means. Sure, we can all nod our heads ferociously when we hear an agreement like Assume Best Intentions. I know I do! But without greater context, the phrase alone has so many possible caveats, interpretations, and contradictions that it can lose its meaning. Like, what if there’s interpersonal stuff going on that makes you pretty certain that critique someone just shared wasn’t from a place of best intentions? Do best intentions always have to be assumed, or is there a threshold for when someone goes too far? What do you do then?
They overrely on jargon or catchy phraseology. If you’ve participated in similar kinds of spaces over time – like education, movement building, or sports – it’s likely that you’ve noticed an emergent shorthand for bigger relational concepts. Agreements like One Mic and Cultivate Brave Space might be familiar to you in organizing or adjacent spaces, for example. On one hand, this is a beautiful thing! These reflect shared understanding, evolving language, and work beautifully for those who participate in the same spaces over time. But for newcomers, it may require more support to deeply understand the intent (and history) behind these phrases.
There are, like, fifteen of them. When searching for examples of Agreements, I was reminded of how often we pack as much as we can into the list, as if each new line will prevent or support the exact outcomes we wanted from the group. Being exhaustive is good! It’s how we explore and understand the depths of the dreams we have for being in shared space together. But when the list gets long, it’s more and more possible that some agreements are in tension or contradict each other. And plainly, it’s just a lot to remember and uphold all at once.
They carry different meanings in different spaces. One community’s version of “trust” might look very different from another’s. One potluck’s version of a side dish might be different from another’s! We bring every bit of our distinct life experience and cultural norms to each space we enter into together, even as the context of a given agreement varies from space to space.
They fall back on an assumption that because it is said, it will be respected and embodied by everyone perfectly and instantaneously. Say it with me now: saying something once is not the same as cultivating deep understanding and action in people.
If you’re reading closely, you’ll see that these are all variations on the same theme: Agreements buckle because they might not be understood by everyone they’re meant to serve.
Does this mean we abandon the idea of Agreements altogether and run wildly into the night, looking for a lean-to or dryish cave to isolate inside of, never to attempt being in community again? No! I hope not! Group Agreements have the power to be magical thresholds through which we enter together; they are a potentially transformative tool for flavoring a culture of a community. They are an essential artifact, a snapshot of visions in time, and something to point to for how a group of people intended to hash things out together.
Because of this potential power, it’s worth wondering:
Besides the list, how else do we support this group of people understanding and reflecting Agreements? (this one’s the biggie)
Are we over-relying on shorthand, rhymes, or jargon to tackle complex concepts?
If someone fails repeatedly at acting under these Agreements, even after they’ve been supported in learning about them, what systems are in place to hold them accountable?
Are these systems of support available to everyone to access or tap into on some level, not just one or two people in positions of leadership or power?
When I say “systems of support”, I mean any other norm or tactic we practice in a community to uphold our Agreements. Maybe it’s regular upskilling opportunities to learn about the more intangible qualities like listening, respect, and making space. Or a culture that supports immediate one-on-one chats if someone has broken an agreement. Or regular moments of pause and reflection – maybe after a meeting ends, or every season – to look back on what’s happened and see how we’re meeting and falling short of the Agreements we set out to do together.
Walking through that example of an Agreement like Make Space/Take Space, some ways to zap that to life beyond the list might be: If someone hasn’t spoken yet in a gathering, are they actively invited to speak? If there are people who repeatedly take more space than they give, has anyone shared with them what’s happening and the effects it has on them? Is everyone in the group empowered with tools to disrupt a dynamic, invite others to say more? Or is it centered around a single moderator?
We cultivate durable, joyful communities by baking in culture to every iota of our experience together. By making that culture something understood and able to be protected and built upon by everyone in the community, not just a select few. If our Agreements are only as strong as the systems that uphold them, I hope we can build the creative, reliable, and resilient systems they deserve.
What if you shared this with someone who also has bigger dreams for Community Agreements?
💫 How much Discomfort is the Whole World Worth? Quoted above, this essay from Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba has haunted me for the last week since reading it. Required reading for anyone trying to do anything with other people! I most loved this story included from organizer and scholar Ruth Wilson Gilmore about her time in Alcoholics Anonymous: “I would be getting more and more wound up, because there’d be the sexist guy going on about women and his wife, and then there’d be somebody else talking nonsense about whatever, [but I was] learning to just sit there, and listen, and keep my eye on the prize, which was not just that I wasn’t going to drink but that the only way I could not drink was if all of us didn’t drink.” (ty Talia for sharing)
✨ On Solidarity. On that note 👆, the book this essay is included in is 30% off right now from Haymarket Books.
⭐️ Company culture is the last 50 days but feel free to swap out “company” with “friend group” or “committee” or “lizard pic swapping club”. I’m sure there are ways this idea breaks but I like its simplicity for thinking about the emergence and malleability of culture over time.
💜 this song by Marina Allen that I have cleverly disguised as Not Being The Loudest Thing In My Head All Week though it is, at all times, what is playing in my head even if I appear attentive. It’s got Fiona Apple/Weakerthans/Julie Doiron flavors to me!
I am searching for a dance space in New Haven so that I might revive Power Prance on the #east #coast and I thought it would be fun to document my process here. I feel less connected to arts stuff locally than I was in Santa Cruz so it feels like a funny little case study on how to make fun community stuff happen where you live when you’re building connections from “scratch”. JOIN ME IN THE HUNT!
I’m gonna be real, it’s been a busy two weeks and I haven’t made much progress here. Joe said that the Salsa Dance place in Westville could be cool because it’s walkable from my house and they don’t use their space all the time; I’m gonna give them a call when I’m back from my trip to Acadia next week!
